La Focaccia

You know that “friend” that you keep calling whenever you get lonely? The adjectives you use to describe her could just as easily be used on your Grandmother’s Buick Roadmaster: Reliable. Comfortable. A bit heavy. Excessively Beige.

It’s easy to start every time and no matter how inattentive you are to maintenance, she’ll be there.

Calling at 1:17 pm on a random Tuesday from a prison in Montana? She’ll be there with bail.

Texting “what r u doing 2nite” at 1:59 AM from a “Gentleman’s” club? She’ll give you a ride home with a smile.

It’s kind of sad and great at the same time.

La Foccacia is that girlfriend.

After going through grueling lengths trying to get a table at La Frite (see below), followed by “just 5 more minutes” for an hour at Azuca, dependability becomes paramount. We were seated immediately at one of the several vacant tables.

The restaurant has a certain “church community center” feel to it with the rectangular tables and generic chairs arranged in a reassuring grid. On Fridays you get the extra treat of live music. By live music, of course I mean that there’s an antediluvian senior playing muzac on a synthesizer. It sounds about how a church organ would sound if Jeff Bridges were using it to play Celine Dion cover songs in Tron.

The waitress sensed our urgency (dinner was at 10pm) and quickly presented their namesake focaccia bread, which we hoovered like Monica Lewinsky. I don’t think any of the bread actually contacted my taste buds on the way down, but I recall from past meals that it is quite good, making overindulgence inevitable. The waitress promptly requested our orders with the soothing reassurance of a 1950s telephone operator. I selected the “Medallions of Tenderloin in Burgundy Wine with Mushrooms”. The tenderloin wasn’t exactly tender, and I’m sure the musician would’ve lost his dentures on this one. Not really the melt-in-your-mouth flavor that I was hoping for from an $18 dish. The wine sauce was ok, so overall it was an average dish.


My eighteen Washingtons also got me a small salad and a side order of spaghetti in a garlic butter sauce. Meh. I suppose I’ll be generous and say that it tasted like it was made with love. And isn’t that what we expect from “old reliable”?

Food: 2.5 Cuy
Service: 4 Cuy
Ambiance: 3.5 Geriatric Cuy
Value: 2 Cuy

Overall:

La Focaccia's website

Taking your dependable "friend" out for dinner? Not a bad place, but doesn't she deserve better after all that she's done for you?

La Frite

This Belgian restaurant left me with a bad taste in my mouth. And I wish I was referring to the food. We weren’t so lucky.

So… They don’t take reservations.

Ok, no worries. So we showed up and tried our luck at the usual time on a Friday evening. It wasn’t a First Friday, so how busy could it be? Well, quite busy actually.

There’s no hostess stand (or hostess), so you just have to mill around with waiters flying about like human Messerschmitts until someone feels like acknowledging that you aren’t a spectator.

Eventually we told the gentleman that we were a party of seven for dinner, to which he looked at us incredulously and said “it will be a loooooong wait” and then walked off. No name taken and no timeframe.

Several minutes passed and I began eyeing the tables like a vulture. Drink quickly people! Life’s short!

It wasn’t the fault of the other patrons that we had to wait. I can understand a restaurant being busy. The guests should feel comfortable to eat at whatever pace they would like. But the inexact host prompted me to scan the tables like a gold digger at the Republican national convention.

I inquired again for more specifics, as I could see that members of the party were not weathering the wait well. The response was a sarcastic “For a party of seven? Hmmph” as though we were imposing on him for requesting to dine in his restaurant.

I can respect that a restaurant would have a hard time accommodating a group of seven for dinner on a Friday night. I can respect that there might be a long wait for a nice restaurant in the gentrified Southtown neighborhood. But there are better ways to manage your customers.

Perhaps my cooler headed friends will prevail and we will attempt to dine at Le Frite another time. It will be a looooooong time from now.

Are you looking for a place to use the line "I'm sorry honey; why don't we go back to my place and we'll cook something?" You've found just the place!

Shiraz

Pop Quiz

What do the following actions have in common?

1) Evading the police in a foreign country
2) Stealing a live octopus
3) Eating Persian food
4) Experimenting with LSD
5) Whaling without a permit
6) Extreme Ironing

Nope, these aren’t the reasons I can no longer travel to Guatemala.

They are all things that, until last Friday, I had never tried. I know what you’re thinking - “How can a man arrive at the age of 26 having never attempted extreme ironing!” It’s simple: I’m not British and never found the need to combine the thrill of mountaineering with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt. That’s just me, though I have great respect for those who risk life and limb for the sake of juxtaposing the mundane with the perilous.

Kidding aside, I’m fairly certain that last Friday was the first time I had knowingly experienced Persian food. Sure, we’ve all had hummus, but that’s like pretending to be fluent in French just because you can say “bonjour”.

You might be asking yourself “If this guy has never tried Persian food, how can he accurately review the restaurant and why would I care about his opinion?”

Huh.

Quite a quandary you’ve got there.

I made a reservation for our group of 9 at 8pm and was surprised that we were the first ones in the restaurant. This seems like a good location (McCullough at the Olmos Park traffic circle) so it seemed odd to be so sparsely populated on a Friday night.

We were treated to a some pita bread with feta cheese and parsley as a starter. Immediately recognizing us as virgin Persian diners, the waitress (owner/manager?) noted that we should mix the parsley and basil with the feta cheese as it isn’t intended as garnish.

I ordered Kofta (a middle-eastern meatball) stuffed with feta cheese as an appetizer and I’m glad I did. It was really good, with the downside being that I wanted more.

The waitress was helpful in describing the differences between the four available lamb dishes on the menu, and I chose one which was delicately referred to as “a simple and popular middle eastern comfort food”. Excellent! Now I can say that not only have I tried Persian food, but I’ve had Persian comfort food.

It took every ounce of my willpower not to grab the lamb shank by the bone and chow down like a Neanderthal. Years of training (thanks mom!) convinced me to use my knife which proved to be a simple task. The meat fell off like a prom dress and was tasty and tender. This quality hunk of meat was juicy (a marinade, I presume) and full of lamb-tastic flavor.

Dessert was a dish called “Bastani” which consisted of vanilla ice cream flavored with rosewater and saffron. Phillip’s first impression was to whisper “this tastes like soap”, before devouring the entire bowl. After the initial surprise of tasting floral ice cream it proved to be very good and a well complemented set of flavors.

These were unusual flavors to me. And because they’re unusual I’ll likely crave them again, if for no other reason than my desire for culinary promiscuity. Mey and I got out for about $75 without booze (part of my bi-annual boycott of red wine).

Next week I’ll press an oxford shirt while scaling the Matterhorn and knock another one off my list…..

Food: 4 Cuy
Service: 4 Cuy
Ambiance: 3.5 Cuy
Value: 3.5 Cuy

Overall:

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Dating a granola girl who listens to NPR? Bring her and her turtleneck here for a quiet evening to discuss endangered species and global strife.

La Fonda on Main

San Antonio is a wonderful place.

In a city replete with Mexican restaurants one can’t help but to compare them to one another. And as with all facets of capitalism, competition should better the breed.

So why has La Fonda on Main not been replaced by a Taqueria Jalisco #873 in the past 70 years?

I think it’s the same reason that monkeys are still around: evolution leaves some amusing stragglers.

This restaurant is housed in a beautiful Spanish building from the 1930’s erected in the architecturally grandiose neighborhood of Monte Vista. I’ve always been a sucker for Spanish architecture, but with every new McMansion these days looking like a Macaroni Grill, it’s nice to see a more vintage example. The courtyard looked like a great place to relax with a margarita, and although we were seated inside in a corner the ambiance was still pleasant and casual.

We were greeted by a nice hostess who made me imagine what Frida Kahlo would look like if she were still alive. I ordered a Cuba Libre (aka Rum & Coke) which didn’t have enough alcohol in it to liberate a conservative like me, much less the nation of Cuba.

Next up was an appetizer of Queso Fundido con Hongos y Chorizo (Melted Cheese with Mushrooms and Sausage). The queso was very good and had a thick, stringy consistency which required creativity to keep from losing chips inside the dip. All in all, it was a worthwhile endeavor for a mushroom lover like me.

I went with the Redfish Veracruzana for the main course, which at $14 seemed a tad overpriced for what I got. The flavor from the olives overwhelmed (rather than complemented) the fish, and the plate was mediocre. Mey had the Shrimp a la Plancha and confirmed the unexceptional quality.

The service was standard and matter-of-fact, and it seemed like the waitstaff was spread thinly enough that pleasantries were superfluous. I can’t really blame the waitress for that on a busy Friday night, but I feel there’s room for improvement.

Mey ordered tres leches for dessert, and we both had some coffee. The dessert looked great. But looks can be deceiving, and it was as uninspired as the main course.

So back to my original question – Why hasn’t this place been replaced with Taqueria Jalisco #1086? *Note that 213 more have been built since you started reading this review.

Well, it’s a beautiful restaurant in a great neighborhood teeming with history. John Wayne and three American presidents once ate here….but not simultaneously. I can see why La Fonda has such a following in a traditional city like San Antonio. The food’s not terrible, and I am glad I gave it a shot.

Food: 2 Cuy
Service: 2.5 Cuy
Value: 2 Cuy
Ambiance: 3.5 Cuy

Overall:

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Are you dating someone who:
a) doesn’t live in San Antonio and
b) hasn’t tried much Mexican food and
c) is a big fan of John Wayne or Dwight Eisenhower?
Then bring her here! Otherwise Paloma Blanca is right around the corner.

Valentino's Di Olmos

Some things are best when simple and not overdone.

The architecture of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe.

A Patek Phillipe wrist watch.

The minimalism of a Rothko.

The understated beauty of a vintage Porsche 911.

This blog

...and the Italian food at Valentino’s di Olmos.

Perhaps I’m exaggerating to put this new restaurant in such bold company. But you get what I’m getting at.

After opening the massive front door, Mey and I found Phillip conspicuously flirting with the twenty-something hostess. “You absolutely MUST go to 6^th street in Austin” he told her while holding eye contact for an uncomfortably long time.

Ummm…okay, so who’s hungry?

We found our way to a lovely table on the covered patio on this splendid summer evening. The outdoor seating left me only wanting a better view (Earl Street isn’t exactly the Mediterranean), but the patio is large enough that you’re really more focused on your surroundings (or in Phillip’s case, the hostess). Table spacing was generous, and the restaurant wasn’t very busy for a Saturday night.

We tried to order some oysters as an appetizer, but unfortunately the hurricane took out their oyster shipment. I know thousands of homes in the gulf coast have been ravaged, but when Ike threatens the supply of aphrodisiacal mollusks it really makes you step back and think about things.

The waiter recommended the mussels which were sautéed in an Irish whiskey cream sauce. These were spectacular. I would have finished the entire plate myself if it were not for my like-minded tablemates. I was then in the troubling position of being grateful for the Hurricane’s disastrous oyster influence. Now I can’t get the image of an oyster farmer standing in line at a soup kitchen out of my head.

After such decadent hors d’oeuvre, I was ready to drink whatever kool-aid the waiter suggested next. It just happened that one of the specials was a filet mignon with shrimp in an herb butter sauce. Without even asking the price, I jumped at the opportunity to sample this ensemble. My impulsive nature got the better of me, and when the check came I apprehensively scanned it for my steak to find that I had paid a handsome $37 sum for my entrée.

As far as living in the moment goes; it could have been worse. At least I didn’t wake up in a strange place with vague regret the next morning. We’ve all been there…...

The shrimp were great, the steak was good (not Ruth’s Chris good, but still very good) and still full of flavor thanks to a cook that knows when enough is enough. This isn’t fusion food, though. You won’t find anything that makes you question your taste buds and ponder “Is that braised duck spleen?” This is just great food with unpretentious sauces.

Mey raved about her shrimp pasta, and the only misstep that I found was that our bottle of Pinot Noir was served a bit on the warm side giving it a slightly harsh flavor. It probably would’ve helped had I ordered a better bottle of wine, but after the first glass I found chugging to be much easier anyway.

With no room left for dessert, we had some coffee and got the opportunity to talk with one of the owners about her new venture, which was especially nice finishing touch. Overall it was a great experience.

Food: 4.5 Cuy
Service: 4.5 Cuy
Ambiance: 4 Cuy
Value: 4 Cuy

Overall:

Dating a beautiful unpretentious woman whom you actually like to talk to? Weird! How unusual for you…but you should bring her here.